Lee M. Stillerman, PhD
Licensed California Psychologist
Self-Help
Take some time to explore the random assortment of self-help resources and information below.
The role of thoughts.
Humans are constantly thinking, a lot, all the time. Humans are constantly trying to figure out how to maximize pleasure, minimize pain. From an evolutionary standpoint, constantly thinking helps ensure survival.​Imagine a bunny in a field sees a fox and activates the bunny’s fight or flight response–now imagine that the fox wanders off, allowing the bunny to return to calm state. If the bunny had a cerebral cortex like we do, with ability to logically analyze a situation, he might continue to think different thoughts (“Where did the fox go?” “Will he come back?”). The bunny’s fight or flight system would remain activated. The bunny would remain hyper vigilant /anxious.​This I what happens to us. We spend the whole day wondering what the fox is up to (so to speak). As with anxiety, thinking plays a huge role in sadness. We tell ourselves things like “I’m no good” or “there must be something wrong with me” etc. As with anxiety, we tend to ruminate, often about the past (vs anxiety, which is often about the future). Thoughts are not reality, so don’t take them so seriously. They are simply passing phenomena
Thoughts impact feelings and behaviors.
Our feelings (and behaviors) are not caused by people or events or situations but rather by how we interpret those things. It is the meaning we ascribe to them; it is what we tell ourselves that contributes to our distress. Often what we tell ourselves is not only negative and self-defeating, but irrational. We Need not accept every automatic thought that pops into our heads. Rather, we can identify, evaluate, and even reframe thoughts. We can look for alternative perspectives that are more positive, realistic, and rational.The goal isn't to “believe” a different thought. The goal is to become more flexible in our thinking. Pay attention to yourself-talk. It is often helpful to track your thoughts and to become more aware of how they contribute to negative feelings and unhealthy behaviors.
Thoughts impact feelings and behaviors
Our feelings (and behaviors) are not caused by people or events or situations but rather by how we interpret those things. It is the meaning we ascribe to them; it is what we tell ourselves that contributes to our distress. Often what we tell ourselves is not only negative and self-defeating, but irrational. We need not accept every automatic thought that pops into our heads. Rather, we can identify, evaluate, and even reframe thoughts. We can look for alternative perspectives that are more positive, realistic, and rational.The goal isn't to “believe” a different thought. The goal is to become more flexible in our thinking. Pay attention to yourself-talk. It is often helpful to track your thoughts and to become more aware of how they contribute to negative feelings and unhealthy behaviors.
Attention is like a spotlight
We have a tendency to shine the spotlight on the thoughts that distress us the most. But we need not chase or pursue all of our most distressing thoughts. In fact, we need not DO anything with them. Rather, we can try to simply notice them and treat them as a passing phenomenon. Not trying to push them away, just being aware of them. Rather than being absorbed in a past that has already happened or consumed with a future that has yet to occur, we can attempt to live mindfully, in the present moment, here and now. We can try and practice simply being, i.e. “non-doing.” Our minds wander but the moment you realize you are not present, you become present. This is the essence of Mindfulness. Mindfulness is “the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally to things as they are." Only the present actually exists, everything else is just a story about the past or the future. Thoughts are just thoughts. When a thought pops into your mind, try to become aware of it. Notice the thought when it arises, and when it eventually passes. Cultivate an attitude of Mindfulness: beware of the stuff in your mind but try not to attach to it.
Free guided meditations:
Keep a Daily Gratitude Journal
The peer reviewed scientific literature is full of studies demonstrating the numerous mental health benefits of cultivating Gratitude in our lives. Below is a free resource from Calm
Assertive Communication
Passive Behavior Is when someone gives up their own rights and (directly or indirectly) defers to the rights of another person. Passive behavior includes violating your own rights through inaction or by failing to express your thoughts, feelings or desires.
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Assertive Behavior Includes standing up for your rights without infringing on the rights of others. Assertion involves expressing beliefs, feelings and preferences in a way which is direct, honest, appropriate and shows a high degree of respect for yourself and for others.
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Aggressive Behavior Is when someone stands up for their own rights without regard for others. Aggression is self-expression which demands, attacks or humiliates other people, generally in a way which shows lack of respect for others.
2 Types of Assertion
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1. I-Language Assertion
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"When you __(behavior)__ , I feel / think ___________ ; So, I would like __(new behavior)__ .“
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Example: "When you shout the effect is I am unable to work with you and I feel angry. Therefore, I would like for you to stop shouting and tell me what you want."
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2. Empathic Assertion
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Recognition of another person's situation or feelings followed by another statement standing up for the speaker's rights.
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Example: "I know you are feeling angry and frustrated while you wait for a response. But, the best I can do is give you a ballpark estimate of how long It will take.“
Relationship between Anxiety & Performance
The relationship between performance and anxiety follows an inverted-U shape, where moderate anxiety enhances performance by improving focus and alertness, while too little or too much anxiety can impair it.